Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

me: I Love You!!

oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”