Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
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[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
umm…
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I am having an out of money experience.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa