Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.