Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
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If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.