Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Ion see the issue
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
You’re like if “nope” was a person.