Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

I can’t wait!

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.