Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life

me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here

doctor: that is correct

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

True

Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

This dude got his own movie?