Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

english majors be like furthermore

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

School be like

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

Can you solve the riddle??

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude