Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.

We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.

This should be good.

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.

thank god the sign was there

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

well this is just bullshirt