Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
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Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
#SaturdayBears
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.