Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.

It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!

ME: Grandma?