Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
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it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Rare photo of two submarines racing
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I hope this email punches you square in the face
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Confused owl: What?!
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do