Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
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[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer