Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

I thought you guys said carnival diet, not carnivore diet. I’ve been living off of corn dogs and elephant ears for the last 3 months and I feel like absolute shit.

Foot f**ish should just be called feetish

Love this guy

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.