Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
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Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it