me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
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if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Extremely relatable.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
War & Peace
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*