Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity

I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

#catsoftwitter

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡