Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

[first day as a masseuse]

Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”

Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so