@sug_knight

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

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@theSolemnBard

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

@Floatersfinest

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

@jackmackenroth

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

@Home_Halfway

I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people

@KickSumHunibuns

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

@Marlebean

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

@_xLNc

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

@MattElGato

I’m gonna be honest, I don’t even know where girls pee from