Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
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*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Beware of the dog..
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
just gave your address to some spiders
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”