Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
You Might Also Like
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.