Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

🙅🏻

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

who called it hell and not heaven’t

WHO DID THIS?

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

I love snow

– People who never shovel

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.

me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind