Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

It’s that simple 👊🏻

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?

Me: *sprints up stairs

Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?

Me: this is so us

I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.