me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
What a year we’ve had this week.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.