Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.