Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
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My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
black phone good
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport