Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”