ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
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‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to