Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?

Me: A terrified doctor.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.