Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.