Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
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I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.