Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

eggs benadryl

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

There’s no “us” in nachos.

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…