Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.