ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Ok, but like, how married are you?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
The pen is writier than the sword.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
blocked.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit