Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

#oldknees

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK