Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

Dear Lord..

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

I gave up going to work for lent.

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.