Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning!

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.