Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.

“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

shit, they caught us—run!!!

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered