Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

[first date]

HER: I like classic cars

ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!

Me: I know

Hub: Pass the foot powder.

~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again

Study: People with children live longer.

People with children: Shit.

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.

Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money

Me: please, I have a family

Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you

Me: but I have a family

Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?

Me: more than anything

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”