Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.