@fro_vo

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

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@Halbeerz

Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

@GrampaSweater

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

@sixfootcandy

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

@kimtopher22

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

@1followernodad

Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.

@NerishaLakha

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

@SirEviscerate

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.