Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
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To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…