Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

[married convo]

Her: Hey, babe…guess what?

Him: What?

Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.

Him: You need me to do laundry?

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.