Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
You Might Also Like
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Become ungovernable.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
worst…sale…ever
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.