Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
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Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I feel attacked.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.