Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

😂

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement

What

Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going