Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

“You make me so wet.”

– me, to my shower.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids

I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.

God: you run really fast.

Horse: sweet.

God: people ride you in circles for sport.

Horse: kindof weird but ok

God: also don’t break a leg.

Horse: why?

God:

Horse: God? why?

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

at ease…shoulder.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.