Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day