Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
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[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone