Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
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Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s