Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
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Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.