Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.

There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

A huge thanks to the person that did this

a fate I wish upon no one

If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.