Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

Covert ops

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.

Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…

Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

*watches nature documentary*

*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*

If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.