Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Like sleeping!

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

😂😂😂😂😂😂

Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.