Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.