Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
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My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.