Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you

I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

*Gets bit by spider*

*I don’t get powers*

*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!