ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
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My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Can Happiness buy money?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Put this video in the Louvre
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
i just got an email from our hr department informing us that, “regrettably”, our office has become “inundated” with raccoons and as of this morning, after an incident where one raccoon fell thru the ceiling, they’ve decided to let us work from home
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.