ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
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Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.