ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
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ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I have so many questions.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.