Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids

I need to sieze this.

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.