Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!