Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D

Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.

Day 2: Moldy.

Repeat weekly.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

Just went to the Oreo website and hit “accept all cookies” … and now we wait

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible