Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

I was told that I look like the kind of person that loves playing tetris and I just don’t know how to take that

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

My last name is Zilla.

Who else does this?

1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.

I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what

Genuinely no idea what to expect here.

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi