Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
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Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there