Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Plot twist

*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”

Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*

Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Hell yeah 👍

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big