ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
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my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
this has to be peak English
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please