Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
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My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
im 7 sauces long
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato