Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Raisins are grape jerky.

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating