Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

What an awful time to have common sense.

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT

The cat has already been fed.

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue

Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?

indiana??? now they’re just making up states