Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?

Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.