Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
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me irl
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I have so many questions.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job