Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.

sugar glider wrangler

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.