Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time