Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
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Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
making my dog give me my pills
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”