Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?

me: absolutely not

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.

*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

Me: You’re so selfish!

Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.

Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”