Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

me refusing to leave twitter

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Breaking news: